I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
