I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
