Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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