Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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