Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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