She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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