I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
