Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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