If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
