When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
