I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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