Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
