Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
