It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she smelled like a LAN party
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
