The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
