dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
