My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think your dad took our porno
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
