he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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