TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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