Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
