Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
