thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
