You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
