They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
