So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
