i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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