just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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