he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
