The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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