just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
