You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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