Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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