1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
