The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
