Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
