your parents love me but you hate me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
A bitchslap is in order.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
