apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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