I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
