what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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