she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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