it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
