I'm so fucking centered right now
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
