he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
