I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
