Your face is a jimmy john
My brain says no but my pants say off.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
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after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
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Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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