im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
