I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize