Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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