Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
