I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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