yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
