my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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