my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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