I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
