problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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