dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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