ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
