I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
