Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
