i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
