this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
