i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
