Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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