he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
